Looking Earnest

Click to view the full size billboard poster for the movie, Looking Earnest.
See earlier post for rough plot...

The Final Salutation

Colin Firth plays Erwin Sanchez Chessington, a Major of Mexican family origin, in the British Army.
It is winter 1945 and Major Chessington is to lead a small team of SAS commandos into the Darien Gap, Colombia, to seek out and destroy the rumoured last unit of the Waffen SS.
Jessica Alba plays Dr Treeworthy a Biologist specialising in the area of synthetic cell duplication, who along with her colleague - Dr Erasmus Shawky (played by James Earl Jones) - are ordered to go on the mission by the UK Government, as it is believed that the surviving Nazis have in their possession one of Hitler's toenails and plan to create a clone of their Fuhrer from the toenail.
Samuel L Jackson's Waffen SS General, Max Von Pluto, having been given advance warning of the UK mission to destroy his unit of 20 men and either steal or destroy his research, is now in a race against time to recreate his Fuhrer and maybe a few hundred thousand soldiers - all from a toenail - and retake the world.
All doesn't go to plan for our intrepid SAS men, however.
During the pre-mission meal, Major Chessington manages to poison half the taskforce with his notorious mushroom risotto.
Despite this the taskforce land succusfully in Colombia, although the few that unfortunately had eaten the risotto a couple of nights before had now succuumbed to a little light death.
In the jungles of Colombia, Dr Treeworthy and Chessington come face to face with the terrifying yeti. They shoot it. The Loch Ness monster eats almost everyone in their party. They shoot it. Harold MacMillan appears - they shoot him.
Eventually they reach the lair of Von Pluto, only to realise they are too late.
Von Pluto has managed to create a new Fuhrer, albeit one that is 7ft tall, totally covered in hair and with one massive eye in the centre of its head. Much evil laughter fills the jungle air.
In a final twist, the new Fuhrer kills Chessington with a smoked sausage then kidnaps Dr Treeworthy.
With one final burst of evil laughter Von Pluto's hair explodes - killing Von Pluto and all his men.
But from within the lair rises a massive armour-plated flying saucer.
Inside the grunts of Dr Treeworthy are heard as she is subjected to the motherlode of all bummings by the mutant hairy cyclops Hitler.
The closing scene sees the spacecraft leaving the Earth's atmosphere, still to the soundtrack of Dr Treeworthy's bumming.
The camera pans out to reveal many swastika-laden spacecraft heading towards Mars from Earth and the Moon.
The sound of space is filled with many multiple bummings emanating from the spaceships.

TWAT

Zentar X

In the near future of 3948, Robert Duvall plays the cyborg baker and pastry chef Zentar X; who is sent back through time to High Wycombe in 1974.

Lost and confused, Zentar X is eventually sectioned, after many incidents - including trying to convince a toaster that his best friend is a washing machine - and kept in a secure facility near Kettering.
Here Zentar X is befriended by a fellow barmpot called Shovel Wereotter III - played by Jessica Alba.
Zentar X wows her with a remarkable cake recipe.

Together they hatch a plot to escape back to the year 3948 using several spoons they have collected and a Hillman Imp.

However Billy Bob Thornton's CIA agent character, McKenzie Codeine, is hot on their trail.

Just as the portal to the year 3948 is opened by some nifty spoon work and expert Hillman Imp manipulation, Zentar X malfunctions.
Shovel Wereotter III is on the receiving end of a rather harsh bumming.
McKenzie rushes in to save the day, only to jizz in his pants at the sight of a cyborg baker from the future bumming a blonde nutter.

Just as the portal closes, Zentar X thrusts his left buttock through the portal.
Will he be forced to exist in 1974 without a full compliment of buttocks?

I am a Pie - an outline

Four IT consultants are given an "away mission" to an out-in-the-sticks office, involving a roadtrip which goes across a desert.
Although the town they have been posted to seems completely boringly normal, things are not quite as they seem.
The culture shock that awaits them terrifies, alienates and makes the four of them overpoweringly paranoid.
The people of the town are otherworldy, with traditions that rub totally against the grain of anything they have ever witnessed.
The physics and mechanics of the town are also beyond their understanding, with strange space and time anomalies happening with frequent and horrifying frequency.
The four out-of-towners fear for their sanity and their lives.

With suicide seemingly the only option for one of the group, the quartet are forced to take stock of the situation.
As they prepare to leave - something happens to one of them.
He is behaving more and more like one of the residents...
A surprising sequence of events sees the four strangers slowly integrating with the people and customs of this very strange town.

Eventually three of them are part of the very fabric of the town.
There is one that resists - but he is slipping...

Will the remaining one crack?
Will any of them they ever leave?
Will they ever be allowed to leave?
Will their families wonder what the hell has happened to them?
What are the secrets of the strange desert town?

"I am a Pie"
A bladey bladism of a movie.

Women Drivers

Here we see a classic piece of opportunistic parking by a woman.
In this case she actually admitted that she may have made a mistake.
However, she only made this confession after a solid four hours of moaning about the junction being incorrectly signposted.

There is no junction.

Twat

Knight Nurse

Jessica Alba is medieval nurse 'Foxy' assigned to King Arthur (Ted Danson) with whom she's desperately in love.
In a moment of passion, she brutally murders King Arthur's wife, Guinevere (Chantelle off Big Brother).
However, Foxy doesn't realise that she's been seen committing the murder by Lancelot (Mark Bright).
To avoid a certain death-penalty, Foxy is forced into becoming Lancelot's slave and performing all sorts of depraved acts including getting bummed repeatedly by Lancelot and an ancient dwarven race, who all look like Emlyn Hughes.
In another scene Lancelot is seen taunting Foxy with a picture of Hayden Christensen, before shooting his load into a large potato - which Foxy is then forced to eat from the bum-crack of an Emlyn Hughes lookalike dwarf.

Eventually Foxy kills Lancleot with a hair pin she finds in her hair that she'd forgotten about and rushes to King Arthur where she confesses all.

King Arthur forgives her and agrees to marry her.
The guests at the wedding include Norm, Woody, Coach, Frazier and Cliffy the postman.
The dwarves are fed to King Arthur's pet donkeys and watervoles as part of the evening entertainment.
They all live happily ever after.

The End.

Twat

Looking Earnest

Mild-mannered, blind, second-hand bookshop owner Earnest (Al Pacino) undergoes revolutionary eye-sight surgery in his home town of Bury (Lancashire), which temporarily brings his sight back.
Due to never having seen anything, he goes on a bloody rampage of rape and violence brought on by everything he is now looking at.
Catholic priest 'Seamus O'Flaherty' (Vinnie Jones) and tough LA Cop 'Zee Zee' (Robert Englund) are the unlikely couple drafted in by Bury Metropolitan Council leader Torben Nilsson - played by Denzel Washington - to stop the bloodshed.

Amongst the rampage however, Earnest falls in love with the homeless girl Ingrid (Jessica Alba).
After quickly marrying her (and bumming her in a unique way) she is killed by a gang of Cuban terrorists which only enflames Earnest's thirst for blood and revenge.

But by now his eyesight is fading.

In a race against time will O'Flaherty and Zee Zee be able to stop Earnest before he kills everyone in Bury and before he ceases to be...Looking Earnest?

Millionaire Tramp

Vin Diesel plays Neville Dalton, an English self-made millionaire who has left his life of luxury to persue his dream of working as a baker in 19th century Liepzig.
He leaves his entire fortune to his pet dog, Roger, and buys a one-way ticket to Germany.
Unfortunately Dalton cannot speak a single word of German, is not prepared to learn the language and finds that he doesn't like the German folk speaking German at him all the time.
As a consequence, Dalton fails to find work.
Starving almost to death he is conned into being bummed by a wealthy German businessman (played by Ralph Fiennes) for money - which he doesn't receive.
After being bummed by a fellow homeless person (played by Bill Paxton), Dalton dies of starvation.
He is then bummed by the wealthy German businessman again, who also then unexpectedly bums his maid Olga - played by Jessica Alba. At least, she wasn't expecting it.
Dalton's body is then dumped into the sea by the locals.
The end.

The Cheerleader

Jessica Alba plays a shy, innocent and cheerfully optimistic eighteen year old cheerleader who has a crush on Nick Nolte's teacher character.
The cheerleader is subsequently invited into the home of the teacher and is subjected to constant sexual abuse - including a right good bumming - and eventually commits suicide when finally released from her torment many days later.
The end.

Thatched Cottages

Click on the image to view...

He Leaves The Wank Box

Fresh from doing the business, he leaves the wank box with a smile on his face.
The troubles of earlier in the day seem to have faded.
The wank box knows no problems, only solutions...