Looking Earnest

Click to view the full size billboard poster for the movie, Looking Earnest.
See earlier post for rough plot...

The Final Salutation

Colin Firth plays Erwin Sanchez Chessington, a Major of Mexican family origin, in the British Army.
It is winter 1945 and Major Chessington is to lead a small team of SAS commandos into the Darien Gap, Colombia, to seek out and destroy the rumoured last unit of the Waffen SS.
Jessica Alba plays Dr Treeworthy a Biologist specialising in the area of synthetic cell duplication, who along with her colleague - Dr Erasmus Shawky (played by James Earl Jones) - are ordered to go on the mission by the UK Government, as it is believed that the surviving Nazis have in their possession one of Hitler's toenails and plan to create a clone of their Fuhrer from the toenail.
Samuel L Jackson's Waffen SS General, Max Von Pluto, having been given advance warning of the UK mission to destroy his unit of 20 men and either steal or destroy his research, is now in a race against time to recreate his Fuhrer and maybe a few hundred thousand soldiers - all from a toenail - and retake the world.
All doesn't go to plan for our intrepid SAS men, however.
During the pre-mission meal, Major Chessington manages to poison half the taskforce with his notorious mushroom risotto.
Despite this the taskforce land succusfully in Colombia, although the few that unfortunately had eaten the risotto a couple of nights before had now succuumbed to a little light death.
In the jungles of Colombia, Dr Treeworthy and Chessington come face to face with the terrifying yeti. They shoot it. The Loch Ness monster eats almost everyone in their party. They shoot it. Harold MacMillan appears - they shoot him.
Eventually they reach the lair of Von Pluto, only to realise they are too late.
Von Pluto has managed to create a new Fuhrer, albeit one that is 7ft tall, totally covered in hair and with one massive eye in the centre of its head. Much evil laughter fills the jungle air.
In a final twist, the new Fuhrer kills Chessington with a smoked sausage then kidnaps Dr Treeworthy.
With one final burst of evil laughter Von Pluto's hair explodes - killing Von Pluto and all his men.
But from within the lair rises a massive armour-plated flying saucer.
Inside the grunts of Dr Treeworthy are heard as she is subjected to the motherlode of all bummings by the mutant hairy cyclops Hitler.
The closing scene sees the spacecraft leaving the Earth's atmosphere, still to the soundtrack of Dr Treeworthy's bumming.
The camera pans out to reveal many swastika-laden spacecraft heading towards Mars from Earth and the Moon.
The sound of space is filled with many multiple bummings emanating from the spaceships.

TWAT

Zentar X

In the near future of 3948, Robert Duvall plays the cyborg baker and pastry chef Zentar X; who is sent back through time to High Wycombe in 1974.

Lost and confused, Zentar X is eventually sectioned, after many incidents - including trying to convince a toaster that his best friend is a washing machine - and kept in a secure facility near Kettering.
Here Zentar X is befriended by a fellow barmpot called Shovel Wereotter III - played by Jessica Alba.
Zentar X wows her with a remarkable cake recipe.

Together they hatch a plot to escape back to the year 3948 using several spoons they have collected and a Hillman Imp.

However Billy Bob Thornton's CIA agent character, McKenzie Codeine, is hot on their trail.

Just as the portal to the year 3948 is opened by some nifty spoon work and expert Hillman Imp manipulation, Zentar X malfunctions.
Shovel Wereotter III is on the receiving end of a rather harsh bumming.
McKenzie rushes in to save the day, only to jizz in his pants at the sight of a cyborg baker from the future bumming a blonde nutter.

Just as the portal closes, Zentar X thrusts his left buttock through the portal.
Will he be forced to exist in 1974 without a full compliment of buttocks?

I am a Pie - an outline

Four IT consultants are given an "away mission" to an out-in-the-sticks office, involving a roadtrip which goes across a desert.
Although the town they have been posted to seems completely boringly normal, things are not quite as they seem.
The culture shock that awaits them terrifies, alienates and makes the four of them overpoweringly paranoid.
The people of the town are otherworldy, with traditions that rub totally against the grain of anything they have ever witnessed.
The physics and mechanics of the town are also beyond their understanding, with strange space and time anomalies happening with frequent and horrifying frequency.
The four out-of-towners fear for their sanity and their lives.

With suicide seemingly the only option for one of the group, the quartet are forced to take stock of the situation.
As they prepare to leave - something happens to one of them.
He is behaving more and more like one of the residents...
A surprising sequence of events sees the four strangers slowly integrating with the people and customs of this very strange town.

Eventually three of them are part of the very fabric of the town.
There is one that resists - but he is slipping...

Will the remaining one crack?
Will any of them they ever leave?
Will they ever be allowed to leave?
Will their families wonder what the hell has happened to them?
What are the secrets of the strange desert town?

"I am a Pie"
A bladey bladism of a movie.

Women Drivers

Here we see a classic piece of opportunistic parking by a woman.
In this case she actually admitted that she may have made a mistake.
However, she only made this confession after a solid four hours of moaning about the junction being incorrectly signposted.

There is no junction.

Twat